By Resident Castle Expert Harry Thricenay

News of radical plans for a disused castle on the Isle of Violentcrab has been met with anger as it’s to be turned into a low-grade discount shop. The castle, situated a few miles off the Scottish coast, is once believed to have been won by a 12th Century Earl in a game similar to Boggle, and is only accessible by swimming. It suffered superficial damage during the world wars, and was seen to be the perfect site for a cheap store with low, low prices. I sat down to interview the National Trust Trustee, Francis Videoplayer, the man who dreamt up the polarising proposal.

TDJJ: “Francis, it’s been several months since you first put your plans forward and started on the development. You’ve faced a lot of criticism from people around the world over the decision. What do you say to those who feel so vehemently against this?”

FV: “What a lot of these uninformed oiks forget, is that we are creating almost a dozen jobs for this renovation. The castle is still in pretty good nick despite its age, but we still have to update it with modern lighting, wi fi, basic shelving, and a warehouse area at the back. Then there’s the running of the place. I believe on busy days we’ll need up to three staff. This castle is barely visited as it is. Yes, it looks good on postcards, but it’s evident that not many people fancy swimming eight miles in choppy Scottish waters in order to get to it.”

TDJJ: “What research did you carry out that made you think of making, of all things, a discount store? I understand a few of your colleagues were not sure of this direction, preferring the castle was made into a petting zoo instead.”

FV: “The zoo idea was a non-starter early on to be honest. To me, it serves little purpose. There’s a lot of sea life nearby anyway which have managed for years without being caged up. I reckoned that after someone had finally swam to this shop, they’d be needing food and drink to recover, maybe some substandard little toys for their kids, things like that. It’s a no brainer really when you think about it. In fact, having a store on this faraway island will inspire people to get here, lose weight by swimming. We’re doing a lot for society with this idea.”

TDJJ: “Did you contact any of the established discount store companies, see if they were interested in taking up residence on the island?”

FV: “We talked to them all, yes. Their main concern was the location, they were wary about delivering stock on a daily basis via boat. There’s a lot of 30-foot squids en route, which can get a bit aggressive if provoked, a lot of deaths. But I reckon they could just use a helicopter, park it on the roof. None of them were prepared to do this. Backward thinking if you ask me.”

TDJJ: “Is helicopter the way you’re going to go?”

FV: “It’s the only way, really. The council said they weren’t gonna give us the money to build a road to the shop. They’re our biggest critics actually, it’s just jealousy. Look, there’s loads of other castles on hard to reach islands which don’t have any plans to be turned into other things. Personally, I feel that’s a mistake – think of how many more Reg’s Cheeeep-O-Marts we could make. Once this store’s a success, everyone will realise that they were wrong to doubt me. They shall then, in the name of progress, grant me as much public money as I demand, so I can get not only roads to these shops, but car parks too. Councils love car parks.”

TDJJ: “So, what’s left to do before this shop opens?”

FV: “Most of the interior stuff is done now. I’m chasing up a few retailers for quotes on defective batteries and cardboard-tasting chocolate, and then we’re pretty much done. Reg is raring to go as the manager, fresh out of prison, and we’ve got two part-time workers who were the least violent during the interview stage. All we need now is whichever former Big Brother contestant who gets back to us first, so we can have a grand opening!”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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