SHOCK STUDY SHOWS HUGE DOWNTURN IN PARTIALLY-REMEMBERED MOVIE RE-ENACTMENTS IN BRITAIN’S PLAYGROUNDS

Multiple accusations are being thrown around in the wake of the results of a recent study conducted by Ofsted. They have concluded that Primary School children nowadays are, on average, 61% percent less likely to poorly re-enact scenes from American movies that they’ve seen recently on TV, compared with the results from the same study 30 years ago, with Vengabus Primary School For Boys and Girls in Stocktown having the highest drop at 82%. TDJJ spoke with under-fire Chief Inspector Nate Shameneezer, about how to reverse this shocking downturn.

TDJJ: “What do you see as the reasons for these statistics?!”

NS: “Society itself has changed so much in the last 30 years, especially for the younger generation. Everything is on tap for them nowadays, be it tablets and phones with access to the internet, powerful games consoles, violent cartoons, and also literally hundreds of equally poor TV channels. There’s too much choice for the child of today to focus on, knowing there might be something else that they’re missing out on. This constant change between everything means that they can’t simply focus on any particular American film to vaguely remember. Contrast with 30 years ago, everything was much simpler, less of everything, no internet, no mobile phones unless you were dealing drugs. And with this relative lack of choice, children were pretty much forced to watch whatever American film was on, knowing that their friends would be doing so too. And that would make it easier in the playgrounds when it came to arguing about what actually happened in the film.”

TDJJ: “Do you feel, in light of the results, that TV networks are responsible as well as, what most believe, the education system?”

NS: “Well, we’re obviously sharing some of the blame for this, and we are looking into implementing changes into the curriculum to help improve things. Unfortunately I can’t control what the TV networks decide to put on their stations. But yes, TV bosses have to look at themselves in the mirror and realise that they’re also responsible. Stop all this ‘reality TV’ and late night gambling nonsense, and put some more average to bad action films on instead. Surely they see this logic now.”

TDJJ: “You mention changes to the curriculum, what plans have you got in mind?”

NS: “We’re planning to get rid of a few things, like choir practice, the chess clubs, drama, things like that which only attract the weak kids. Instead we’ll be showing American action films in classes, and afterwards the teacher will quiz them on what happened in the film that was just on. Knowing that kids don’t have much of an attention span, the results will be adequately poor, which is perfect for scene re-enacting from the glory days of the 80s and early 90s.”

TDJJ: “What would you say to the parents who have scoffed at this study, who feel that these results are not important, and detract from the so-called ‘proper’ issues affecting education nowadays.”

NS: “To be honest, I don’t know what schools they went to. I suppose they also support the banning of British Bulldog as well. Pretending to be an American star in an action film should be part and parcel of growing up. We believe that bringing in our new plans will help stop the decline in exam results and reduce the amount of arsonists in schools up and down the land. Kids having American action films to focus on means that their under developed memory recall will improve while they struggle to remember the pithy one liners and swearing.”

TDJJ: “And finally, what did you put in the letters to the numerous TV stations regarding all this?”

NS: “As well as dropping reality TV and late night casino programmes, I also requested them to introduce arty European films which have a hint of carnal desires. This caters more for the older pupils, who would then exaggerate to their friends on the film’s content at school, and this would in turn improve their results in French and German. The sooner parents see the sense in our plans, the better.”

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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