[I originally uploaded this story on 05/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]

A former mid-range clothing store employee decided to quit her social media accounts yesterday following a frankly bizarre amount of people commenting on one of her recent uploaded photos. 27-year old Clementine Standard, originally from Spain or somewhere like that, was an avid fan of posting photos online to show her friends and family back home, where she left a few years ago to follow her dreams, in Kent. TDJJ sat down with her in her bedroom as she takes up the story.

“I do a lot of home cooking – I grew up being shown how to make wonderful dishes from my Mama and Papa. After leaving home I vowed to everyone I would continue to document the food I make, to show my improvement in not only this, but also to keep them up to date with my skills selling clothes in a moderately fashionable shop.”

Miss. Standard pauses for a moment. She looked like she was struggling to find the words to express the heartbreaking decision she had to make.

“On a day off last week, I had a lot of time to myself, so I decided to create a boiled potato-based meal, garnished with some native spices from my homeland, all topped off with gravy. It was a meal I had never made before, but I kept having this dream about it. I took a series of photos and posted it on my Facebook and Instagram pages. Normally, I’d get a dozen or so likes and comments within an hour or so. I couldn’t believe my eyes when the numbers were going up and up. Comments kept coming as well, mostly from strangers from all over the world.”

Again, Miss Standard paused, looking as though she’s replaying the events in her head. Her expression turns to confusion and disgust.

“It was one particular photo that was getting all this attention. The comments started off normal enough, but soon became very strange and, to be honest, inappropriate. I don’t do much online apart from my own personal stuff and comparing jumper prices from rival middle of the range clothing outlets, so maybe it’s a thing on the internet, a very dark thing.”

TDJJ quotes a few of the posts to her as she shakes her head. She stops me after 10 comments, grabs the hand-written list from me.

“Stop! ‘I can replace the gravy with my own gravy!?’, ‘I took my laptop to the bathroom, not my proudest fap!?’ What’s fap mean? What’s wrong with these people?

Animals. This reporter assures her that he has a friend who is aware of a lot of the erotica categories out there, but has never heard of one catering to people who lust after root vegetables. All this unwanted attention began to affect her at work, so she made a decision that has since been problematic.

“I started to purposely fold the clothes differently at work, not the way in how we were trained. The managers have started to notice, they’re currently having one-to-one meetings with everyone about it. Out of desperation one night, I decided I was going to delete my accounts. The messages on this photo were getting more and more depraved, but one stood out. It was from a high class food magazine, and they were asking me to come to their office with the potato. I told them that I’ve since ate it, then deleted everything. I couldn’t go into work the next day, certain that I’d be hauled into the office about the wrongly folded garments, convinced I’d be found out and fired, and then how would I pay my bills? I decided to make another meal like the first one, but I’d used up most of the native spices, and the gravy didn’t look quite the same as a result. I created a new account and contacted the magazine with the new photo, maybe they’d offer me a lot of money for them. They replied back saying the meal didn’t look as good, and soon enough the commenters on the original photo had the same view. I was at a crossroads. I finally decided to face the music at work and went in to confess. I was fired on the spot. Looking back, I can’t see much difference between the two meals. If the first potato was sexy, why not the other?”

She asks for this reporter’s opinions. TDJJ made some excuses then left quickly. Clementine Standard was fired for mismanaging stock and for throwing fire extinguishers down an escalator.

Published by The Daily Jabjab

Hi, I'm from Stockport, Greater Manchester England. My plan on my blog is to hone my creative writing and write a post every day this year. It sounds daunting, and I'm sure things will evolve over time. Let me know what you think about my writing - any tips, useful websites and things like that would be quite lovely. Thanks for reading!

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