[I originally uploaded this story on 03/01/20, putting it on a separate page so it’s more visible or something. Dunno.]
Shock waves have spread throughout the political parties like wildfire or something, as 64-year old semi-retired backstreet balloonist Alf Wind woke up in the night recently with the answer to the UK’s main concern in these uncertain and desperate times. The Daily JabJab met up with Mr. Wind in a car park close to his home in Gosport one night to speak with him.
“Sorry about this, I’m avoiding the wife at the moment. She caught me putting her precious heirlooms on eBay, and found some more photos of her sister on the toilet underneath the bed. Anyway, I reckon due to my current state of affairs weighing on my mind, I must’ve conjured up the solution to my main problem. I’m up to my ears in debt, I know I don’t need over 2,000 copies of Under Siege on DVD, but it’s my favourite film. She doesn’t understand. But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with local loan sharks phoning up at all hours and getting threatened with military grade weaponry. And when I think about it now, it sounds silly that no one else – least of all the political parties – has thought of this. Just print more money. Ridiculously easy solution that would benefit everyone.”
I asked whether he considered how this plan could possibly be implemented, as there would be a lot of factors to consider. Before he could answer, Mr. Wind suddenly became aware of what looked like a gang of burly men get out of a car at the other end of the car park. He tells me they’ve found him. He didn’t know how but they’ve found him. He ran off when they started shouting obscenities and throwing half-bricks. In the interests of journalistic integrity, I decided to follow him. After about 40 minutes of leaping through back gardens and abandoned warehouses, we finally lost them. Mr. Wind got his breath back – his Wind, if you will – and agreed to continue the interview.
“Listen, it’s as easy as pie. Everyone would get an extra grand a week. Man, woman, child, whoever. You’d just have to employ enough printers to keep up with the demand. Plus, you’d have to get more posties as they’d have to deliver the money in brown envelopes through every door in the land. It’d be our civic duty to join together and wipe out debt once and for all. You know it makes sense.”
I pressed on certain points that he made, but the hard facts and figures didn’t deter his enthusiasm. We agreed that I should get in touch with the political leaders and ask for their views. A spokesman for the Conservative Party emailed me back stating that, “Mr. Johnson is bally well flabbergasted to find the solution so simple”, and offered Mr. Wind the job of putting this plan together. At the time of writing I have yet to get responses from the other parties. When telling Mr. Wind of the details from the Tories, he just laughed.
“I don’t vote for any of ‘em. It’s obvious that they’re the ones getting paid handsomely, yet it’s me coming up with the answers. I’m winding down my five-year career as a backstreet balloonist, and then I’m gonna have a word with a few people in the print trade and sort this out myself. I know it’s illegal, but I’ll soon be too powerful to take down, the cops and lawyers will be coining it in themselves. Everyone has a price.”
We end the interview there. Wind asks me for taxi fare as he’s unsure of where he is due to all the running earlier.