Former fridge magnet entrepreneur Ronald Sustained had his life long dream of appearing on ITV’s Love Island programme cruelly taken from him, as he was told that he didn’t fit the bill in what was expected of contestants. The larger than life 58-year old received the Earth shattering news via text one morning. In fact he decided beforehand to sell his beachside stall selling fridge magnets, a business he built from the ground up since high school, in preparation of the untold riches he would get when he became a celebrity. Now he’s found out that the buyer is unwilling to sell the stall back, and Mr. Sustained is suffering sleepless nights also worrying how to pay off the large shipment of t-shirts he had printed specially for his planned fame. TDJJ met him outside a chip van close to his former place of work for an interview, and to foot the bill for dinner. £6 for a fish!
TDJJ: “How are you holding up right now? Everything’s happened quite close together hasn’t it?”
RS: “It feels like a bad dream, as though someone’s playing a cruel trick, but I can’t figure out why. I can’t do anything with these t-shirts now, I bought them off Unstable Sid, and he never gives refunds out. Oh yeah, and this morning the missus left me for him over the road.”
This reporter’s eyes look over and spots a stall similar to the one Mr. Sustained used to manage – Objection’s Objects. It took a few moments to realise that his situation has gotten even worse.
TDJJ: “She left you for Colin Objection? But he’s the one who’s not selling your stall back to you. How could she?
RS: “His stall is bigger – postcards, imitation Star Wars figures, the lot. Now he’s branched out into fridge magnets, she’s attracted to success. She left this morning, minutes after I read out the text. Plus she said she didn’t like me when I watched the programme, said I got too animated when the women were on.”
TDJJ: “Are you going to get back in touch with the TV executive?”
RS: “I’m going to do better than that. I know someone who knows a bit about legal stuff. I can get them for dessication.”
TDJJ: “Do you mean discrimination?”
RS: “What did I say?”
TDJJ: “Dessication. It’s something to do with coconuts.”
RS: “Yeah, maybe. I know from watching it, it’s all young people in their 20s. I just thought, in these times of… equality, they’d allow someone like me on there to mix it up a bit. Late 50s, a decent amount of teeth left, dynamic fashion sense, never without aftershave. I know I may have put on a few pounds since high school, but it’s all character, isn’t it? Plus the women look ace in bikinis. I reckon I’ve got a chance seeing as they’re a bit simple. Still got the old Sustained charm.”
TDJJ: “So what’s you’re next move then. Have you spoken to your bank or any debt advisors? Legally speaking, Mr. Objection doesn’t have to sell back to you, and Unstable Sid doesn’t sound like anyone you should be messing with. It can get expensive.”
RS: “Fridge magnets are all I know, cash in hand no need to bother with banks. I can’t see myself getting another job. I looked in that pound shop as they’re hiring. It looks so bewildering – fridge magnets are just a little bit of what they do. How much cash have you got?”
TDJJ: “Erm, not as much I had anticipated after here, the prices! Sorry could only get one lot of peas.”
RS: “It’s all right. I guess I’m gonna have to start busking again, probably full time. I tend to busk on and off to help my income during winter periods. I do requests, all the latest hits. Can you let everyone know that the minimum spend is a fiver? Cheers for this.”
Mr. Sustained walks off with his fish, half peas and determination. He said he’d be singing near where the Go Kart place is, opposite the horses and carriages with hundreds of lights on each of them. He’s upped his price to £7.