A 48-year old woman from Basingstoke, unemployable Natasha Sagat, has plans to make a video review which she feels will win her the esteemed award for ‘Most Outraged Reaction On The Last Performance Of The Long-Running Saga, Battle Between The Swans’. Or MOROTLPOTLRSBBTS, as it is more commonly known amongst fans. Ms. Sagat faces stiff competition, but she’s up for the challenge. TDJJ sits down with her, in a pokey bedsit she shares with her lover Walter Ken, to learn more.
TDJJ: “So, Natasha, tell me how you became a fan of the Battle Between The Swans saga.”
NS: “Well, I’ve always been a fan of dances. I used to take line dancing and country dancing lessons. Never liked tap dancing though. Time went by and I started hanging around people who were into different things, like rabbits and smoking, so I got out of touch with everything. But it was when I caught a TV show few years later about interpretive dance, and specifically the story of Battle Between The Swans, which pulled me right back.”
TDJJ: “I note there’s a pretty big following, I’ve not really known about it myself until now. There’s a bit of a divide with some sections of supporters isn’t there? Where do you stand on this?”
NS: “The original three productions are the best ones, the stories told through the dancing capture everything perfectly in my opinion. The issues began when the next productions chronicled the childhood years of the main character, Mikie Carter, and how he became the best middle-manager at a food store. I agree with most other fans, the dancing is a bit clunky in those ones. But it’s these new ones which everyone has issues with. Inconsistencies within the dances, unbelievable twists and pirouettes, old characters returning just to have one last dance before getting eaten by the swans.”
This reporter notes that Ms. Sagat is getting redder in the face. She gets some tablets and takes them with water. There’s a five minute break before she’s ready to continue. It’s obvious, with her laboured breathing, that this latest performance has touched several nerves. It’s worth noting that she’s only recently got out of hospital, the reason she has yet to make her video review. TDJJ proceeded with caution.
TDJJ: “Okay, can you share your story on how you came to be in hospital recently? It’s the reason you have yet to make your video review isn’t it?”
NS: “Well, I was in the theatre, watching the midnight production, and I could sense I was getting more and more irate with how I wasn’t agreeing with some of the dancing. There came a moment, which I don’t want to spoil, when I got so outraged that I spontaneously combusted right there in my seat. Luckily my partner had been to a hardware store earlier and had a bag of sand with him. He threw the contents of it on me and I felt okay enough to watch it to the end. We went to the hospital afterwards, and was told after numerous tests that I had 85% burns to my body, so had to stay in. It was touch and go for a bit.”
TDJJ: “Have you seen any other videos in this competition since you’ve come back?”
NS: “I’ve heard there’s one in particular, by Youtuber Swansbitch_1962, who won the contest when the previous Swans dance came out. Apparently she vomits four times her body weight during her review this time. Which if that’s the case, is going to be a difficult one to beat.”
TDJJ: “Yeah, it’s graphic. It is indeed four times her own body weight, it’s been officially verified by the MOROTLPOTLRSBBTS authorities.”
NS: “This is why I feel I need to risk it all and spontaneously combust again in mine. That’ll be key. I posted a picture of myself all charred up at the end of the premiere, but people called it a fake. All the medical staff warned against my plan, but I feel it’s the only way to win this award.”
TDJJ: “Do you think, if you are successful in going up in flames in your video, it’ll be when you talk about that particular moment in the theatre?”
NS: “Probably. It’s stupid though, the idea that the lowly fishmonger is somehow related to the main villain Mikie. He was shot dead in 1971 on a beach in Newcastle. How can he possibly–”
Ms. Sagat stops herself, reaches for more pills. She tells me she needs a lie down. I end the interview and leave. Ms. Sagat vowed to post her review video in the next day or so.
Battle Between The Swans IX: The Last Swan Battle Between The Stars For A Bit is showing at all theatres now.