Self-employed arm wrestler, 35-year old Carlton Heelturn is taking himself to court over an alleged hate crime. The incident occurred a few days after Christmas day, and is waiting until he gets a day available so legal proceedings can start in earnest. The Daily JabJab interviewed a tearful Heelturn at his home:
“Like most people over Christmas, I overindulged on the food and drink. I can barely remember Christmas day. My mate Jobber bought me a case of some strong Chinese lager. Coupled with the chocolates, turkey and three types of potatoes, I spent the majority of the day on the bog. It was flowing from all orifices. The missus weren’t very happy. We had her family round. They didn’t really like me anyway due to my numerous affairs and opinions on 90s British romantic comedies. After a few days in bed, I got up and glanced at myself in the mirror when taking off my socks, and noticed I had put on a bit of weight over the festive period.”
Heelturn started crying even more. This reporter wasn’t sure what to do, had no training for this kind of thing. Just patted him on the back. Ten minutes later, Heelturn plucks up the courage to continue:
“I’m an easy going guy, usually. I’m not one for insulting people, but knew I had fat-shamed myself. I don’t know if it was because I was still shitting lumpy yellow stuff, but this thought made myself really uneasy and vulnerable. I like to read the papers, and I’m aware of the term hate crime, and that nowadays pretty much everything is offensive. And suddenly I realised I can’t take this lying down. I should be able to go through life without being mocked and ridiculed, I wasn’t going to let myself get away with this!”
Just then, Heelturn’s girlfriend Christine Laddermatch walks in to console him. She agreed to comment on the situation: “Although it’s tearing himself apart, he knows justice has to be done and has to take himself to court, to defend only the part of himself that feels offended. My Aunt Myrtle is a lawyer, and really despises Carlton due to his feelings about Four Weddings and a Funeral, and has put herself forward in defending the part of him that made the offensive slur. Carlton has no legal training at all, but is willing to fight all the way.”
Laddermatch herself starts crying and leaves the room. The odds look as though they’re stacked against Heelturn.
“Given my previous offences, mainly involving potatoes, I fear the worst as her fucking Aunt will be defending the part of me which made the callous remark. I don’t fancy spending a few years in jail over this. This is personal. I’ve ordered the LA Law boxset from the internet to help me. I only hope it’s delivered before it all kicks off. I’ve had to put in extra shifts so I can afford everything. My other mate Dan Crossface – who works in a bookies – has told me that if I win, I should be able to make my money back and more besides. Plus, it’s not that I hate Four Weddings and a Funeral, I just feel it not as good as a lot of people make out.”
The Carlton Heelturn case might sound unique, but it follows a recent story in Texas, USA, where 28-year old Whinney Clothesline got caught in the rain one night, got home and said aloud to herself that her hair was a mess due to the adverse weather. She lost the ensuing case and is now serving 10 years in prison.